Every intake question

When you and a partner tell each other everything, does that pull your lives together, or is it what lets you keep your own?

then: How much does telling everything change how merged you get?

1. 0.85 Telling each other everything is what buys me my own life.
2. 0.45 Nothing is hidden, so nobody needs to keep tabs on anybody
3. -0.45 The more we tell each other, the more our lives run together
4. -0.85 For me, knowing everything about someone and being merged with them are the same thing
5. 0 Telling doesn't decide how combined we are

basis Reis & Shaver's interpersonal process model: self-disclosure plus perceived partner responsiveness produces intimacy, which is interdependence. Disclosure pulling toward union is well supported.

Your lease is up and moving in together is on the table: is merging your life with somebody easier when you feel like it's secure long term?

then: How much does forever change how merged you get?

1. 0.85 I'd only merge if it were for good. That comes first, not after.
2. 0.45 Merging comes easier when it feels like it's for good. The longer it feels, the more I share.
3. -0.45 Merging comes harder as it gets permanent. I keep parts of my life to myself.
4. -0.85 The moment it's for good is when I start protecting what's mine
5. 0 How merged I get has nothing to do with how long it lasts

If you loved more than one person, would you keep more of your life your own, or does that not come into it?

then: How much does loving more than one change how merged you get?

1. 0.85 You can't merge everything and love widely. One of them has to give.
2. 0.45 Loving more than one keeps my life more my own. Split that way, it never fully pools.
3. -0.45 Loving widely makes me want one home to come back to
4. -0.85 The wider it goes, the more I need one life that is clearly shared
5. 0 Who I love doesn't set how merged I get

If new people can come in, do you still share the account, the calendar and the spare key, or keep more of your life your own?

then: How much does an open door change how merged you get?

1. 0.85 If others are possible I wouldn't pool everything. The separate parts are the point.
2. 0.45 If new people can come in, I keep more of my life my own
3. -0.45 Who else is around doesn't touch the lease. I'd merge just the same.
4. -0.85 If others can come in, the shared ground has to be more solid, not less
5. 0 Who's welcome doesn't set how combined we are

If you slept with other people, would you hold more of your life back from a partner, or would that change nothing?

then: How much does sex elsewhere change how merged you get?

1. 0.85 Sleeping with others and keeping part of my life to myself are one thing
2. 0.45 If others are in the picture, I hold something back at home
3. -0.45 It makes me want a home with a partner that isn't up for negotiation
4. -0.85 Anything outside only works if the main thing is fully shared, with no doubt about it
5. 0 Sex has never set how merged I get

Do you and a partner merge money, homes and plans once you've agreed it, or do you drift into them?

then: How much does agreeing it first change how merged you get?

1. 0.85 The good version happens before anyone names it. Agreeing to merge turns it into a deal.
2. 0.45 Money, homes and plans are things you drift into rather than agree
3. -0.45 Money, homes and plans get merged once we've agreed it. You say it out loud first.
4. -0.85 I'd never merge anything on assumption. That's how people end up stuck.
5. 0 Planning doesn't change how merged we get

After sharing a home with a partner long enough that the small things stopped getting mentioned, does keeping your own life mean keeping your own counsel too?

then: How much does keeping your own life change what you'd say?

1. 0.85 A life I have to file reports on isn't my own. If I keep the life, I keep the details.
2. 0.45 If I live it on my own, I get to decide what to say about it
3. -0.45 Living apart makes me over-explain, not under-explain
4. -0.85 The more distance there is, the more I explain, in detail, unasked
5. 0 How merged we are doesn't set what I say

basis Attachment avoidance predicts lower self-disclosure and reluctance to build interdependence (Moors et al. 2015; intimacy-avoidance literature), so keeping your own life predicting keeping your own counsel is the supported direction.

As the years go by with the same person, do you tell them more, or quietly let more go?

then: How much do the years change what you'd say?

1. 0.85 It all comes out eventually. A long thing can't run on half a picture.
2. 0.45 I'd tell them more. Years earn the whole picture.
3. -0.45 I'd let more go. You stop reporting what will pass on its own.
4. -0.85 A long life together runs on tact as much as on truth, and I let a great deal go
5. 0 How long it runs doesn't change what I tell

If you started having feelings for someone, would you tell a partner sooner than anything else, or hold it back longer?

then: How much do feelings change what you'd say?

1. 0.85 A feeling gets said the moment I notice it. One I'm hiding is already the problem.
2. 0.45 I'd rather say it too early than sit on it
3. -0.45 I'd hold it back longer. I'd want to understand it before handing it over.
4. -0.85 What I feel is the last territory that is only mine, and I don't hand it over
5. 0 Feelings don't change what I share either way

Once there's someone new in the picture, do you tell a partner more, or is that where you start holding back?

then: How much does a new person change what you'd say?

1. 0.85 Once someone new is around, it all gets said. An open door you keep quiet about isn't open.
2. 0.45 Another person in the picture raises the stakes, so I talk more
3. -0.45 Another person in the picture is where I start leaving things out
4. -0.85 Once someone else is involved I go quiet. Their privacy isn't mine to spend.
5. 0 A new person doesn't change what I share

If you slept with someone else, would that be the first thing you'd tell a partner, or the last thing you'd volunteer?

then: How much does it being sex change what you'd say?

1. 0.85 Sex is the one thing I'd say straight away. Sitting on it is the real betrayal.
2. 0.45 I'd rather say it badly than have it found out later
3. -0.45 Sex is the last thing I'd volunteer — it's the most private thing I have
4. -0.85 I'd never volunteer it. That's the part I'd keep whatever else I shared.
5. 0 Whether it's sexual doesn't change what I'd say

If something happens that no rule between you and a partner covers, do you go by what you agreed to tell each other, or by what the moment asks?

then: How closely does what you tell follow what was agreed?

1. 0.85 I go on what the moment calls for. Rules about honesty feel like paperwork.
2. 0.45 What I tell follows whatever the moment asks — I read the room, not the rules
3. -0.45 What I tell follows what we agreed — that's what agreeing it was for
4. -0.85 I say exactly what we agreed to say. Improvising honesty is how people get hurt.
5. 0 I'd say the same things with or without an agreement

If you and a partner keep separate lives, does that make it less likely to last, or does it not matter?

then: How much does merging decide how long you'd last?

1. 0.85 Merging is how people commit. A separate life is a relationship keeping its options open.
2. 0.45 If we keep separate lives, I doubt it lasts
3. -0.45 It makes no difference. I've shared everything with people it wasn't forever with.
4. -0.85 Every merged one of mine ended. The ones that stayed separate are the ones still here.
5. 0 How combined we are doesn't set how long we last

If you told a partner everything, would that make it last longer, or do the long ones need some things left unsaid?

then: How much does honesty decide how long you'd last?

1. 0.85 I couldn't build decades on half a picture. Full honesty is the condition.
2. 0.45 Full honesty makes a thing last. Nothing hidden, nothing to rot.
3. -0.45 Decades run on tact. You learn to leave some things alone.
4. -0.85 Nothing lasts decades of being told everything. A long thing needs what goes unsaid.
5. 0 What we tell doesn't set how long we last

If you loved more than one person, would you expect that to last less long, or is that a separate question?

then: How much does that tell you how long it'll last?

1. 0.85 Loving more than one and lasting forever are promises I can't hold at once
2. 0.45 If I love more than one, I doubt it lasts. Something gives eventually.
3. -0.45 Loving more than one has nothing to do with it. One-person relationships end all the time.
4. -0.85 Narrowing it down to one is what has ended things for me, not what sustained them
5. 0 How many I love has never predicted how long it lasts

basis Same meta-analysis. No evidence that loving more than one person shortens relationships.

You're booking something a year out: does being open to new people make that feel less settled, or has that got nothing to do with it?

then: How much does being open decide how long you'd last?

1. 0.85 Open and temporary are the same question for me
2. 0.45 An open relationship feels temporary to me, like nothing has been decided yet
3. -0.45 Open relationships last as long as closed ones. That isn't what decides it.
4. -0.85 Nothing has lasted for me except the open ones. Closing it is what kills them.
5. 0 Who's welcome doesn't set how long we last

basis Same meta-analysis. Openness does not predict shorter relationships.

When you see a couple sleeping with other people, does that look temporary to you, or say nothing about how long they'll last?

then: How much does that tell you how long they'll last?

1. 0.85 Keeping it to one person is the signal. It's how I know what something actually is.
2. 0.45 Sleeping with others reads as temporary to me
3. -0.45 Openness takes the pressure off, and pressure is what ends things
4. -0.85 Every exclusive relationship I've had came with an expiry date. The open ones didn't.
5. 0 Sleeping with others tells me nothing about how long it'll last

basis A 2025 meta-analysis (35 studies, 24,489 participants) found no difference in relationship quality, satisfaction or longevity between consensually non-monogamous and monogamous relationships. Any belief that non-exclusivity shortens a relationship is a personal reading, not a finding.

You and a partner have never actually said out loud what you are to each other: does that make it temporary, or are the unspoken ones the ones that last?

then: How much does saying it out loud decide how long you'd last?

1. 0.85 If nobody has said it out loud, nobody has committed to it
2. 0.45 If nobody says what it is, it's temporary. The lasting ones get said out loud.
3. -0.45 Unwritten is the most permanent kind. The moment it's on paper it stops being that.
4. -0.85 The ones that needed rules are the ones that ended. The lasting ones were never written down.
5. 0 Agreed or not doesn't set how long we last

When you keep your own life separate from a partner's, does that leave more of you free to love someone else, or less?

then: How much does keeping your own life change it?

1. 0.85 The space a separate life leaves is what makes loving more than one possible
2. 0.45 Keeping my own life leaves more of me free, and what's free can go somewhere
3. -0.45 Keeping my own life is tiring enough without splitting this too
4. -0.85 If everything else is separate, love is the one thing I want undivided
5. 0 How merged we are doesn't govern who I love

Saying out loud that you're falling for someone — does that give it room, or take the air out?

then: How much does saying it change it?

1. 0.85 Naming a feeling is what makes it real enough to happen at all
2. 0.45 Saying it out loud gives it room — named, it's allowed to exist
3. -0.45 Saying it takes the air out — once spoken it becomes a thing to manage
4. -0.85 Saying it kills it. Once it's named it stops being a feeling and turns into a negotiation.
5. 0 What I say and what I feel don't govern each other

When a partner says forever and means it, does forever ask you to be each other's only, or can a lasting thing carry more than a passing one?

then: How much does forever decide it?

1. 0.85 Forever and being the only one are the same promise to me
2. 0.45 Something built to last asks to be the only one
3. -0.45 A lasting thing can carry more than a passing one. It's the fragile ones that can't.
4. -0.85 Only something secure could hold it. Anything shakier would break under the weight.
5. 0 How long something lasts says nothing about how many I love

If you'd welcome someone new, does that include falling for them, or stop short of it?

then: How far does that welcome reach?

1. 0.85 For me, letting someone in and loving them are the same act
2. 0.45 It includes falling for them. I don't know how to welcome someone halfway.
3. -0.45 It stops short. New people gladly, falling for them no.
4. -0.85 I can welcome anyone easily, because that part was never on offer
5. 0 Who's around has never decided who I love

Something physical with someone else has been going on a while — in your experience, does feeling tend to arrive with it?

then: How reliably does sex carry feeling with it?

1. 0.85 I have never managed to keep sex and feeling apart for long
2. 0.45 Feeling has arrived with it more often than I'd have predicted
3. -0.45 The more physical it stays, the less it tends to go anywhere
4. -0.85 Sex is how I keep something from becoming more. It's a wall, not a door.
5. 0 Sex has never told me anything about love

basis Sexual and romantic exclusivity are separable dimensions (Fern's emotional x sexual exclusivity matrix; open relationships vs polyamory vs swinging differ exactly here), so this coupling genuinely varies by person.

Could you agree with a partner beforehand about falling for someone else, or does that just happen when it happens?

then: How much of this could you agree beforehand?

1. 0.85 This never arrives on cue, and thinking you can agree it beforehand is the mistake
2. 0.45 You can't arrange it beforehand. Feelings don't take instructions.
3. -0.45 It has to be agreed first. Otherwise it's a breach, whatever it felt like.
4. -0.85 Feelings are the last thing I'd leave unspoken. This gets said before anything else.
5. 0 What we agreed doesn't reach as far as who I love

When you keep your own life separate, does that make room for someone new, or is that unconnected?

then: How much does keeping your own life decide who you'd let in?

1. 0.85 There's room for someone new because I never gave up my own life
2. 0.45 I have time and space that isn't spoken for, so someone new can fit
3. -0.45 A separate life doesn't open the door. I'd keep my own and still let no one in.
4. -0.85 A separate life is already full. There's nowhere left to put anyone new.
5. 0 How merged we are doesn't decide who gets in

basis As above: avoidance predicts willingness but not engagement. Direction supported at the attitude level, contested at the behavioural one.

Would you let someone new in only if you'd hear everything, or does hearing about it not come into it?

then: How much does hearing about it decide who you'd let in?

1. 0.85 No account, no door. Hearing all of it isn't a preference, it's the price.
2. 0.45 I'd only let someone new in if I heard everything. Telling me is the price of entry.
3. -0.45 Hearing about it doesn't come into it — I'd rather not have the play-by-play
4. -0.85 If I had to hear all of it, that's what would close the door
5. 0 How much I hear doesn't set who's welcome

If you knew a relationship wouldn't last forever, would that leave more room for other people, or less?

then: How much does how long it lasts decide who you'd let in?

1. 0.85 Forever is what shuts everyone else out. That's what it's for.
2. 0.45 If it's temporary there's more room for other people. There's less to protect.
3. -0.45 I can risk the company when I'm certain. When it's temporary I can't.
4. -0.85 I could only do this from somewhere solid. If I'm unsure, the door shuts.
5. 0 How long it lasts doesn't decide who comes in

basis No evidence either way that a long horizon closes a relationship to newcomers; this is a personal model rather than a finding.

When a partner asks whether you could ever love someone else too, does loving one person shut that door, or can it stay open?

then: How much does loving one person decide who you'd let in?

1. 0.85 One love, one picture. That's the whole of what open or closed means to me.
2. 0.45 Once I love someone, I stop looking for anyone else
3. -0.45 It can stay open — someone new can matter without competing
4. -0.85 I can make room for someone else because I'm sure of one person
5. 0 How I love doesn't set who can come in

If you and a partner opened things up sexually, would that open the whole relationship, or stay one thing on its own?

then: How much does keeping sex to one person decide it?

1. 0.85 Keeping sex to one person and keeping everyone out are one question for me, not two
2. 0.45 Sex with other people opens the whole thing. One brings the other.
3. -0.45 Sex with other people is its own thing. That can be open while the rest stays closed.
4. -0.85 That being open is why nothing else is. It uses up the whole allowance.
5. 0 Sex with others doesn't decide who else is around

Does someone new become possible once you've agreed it with a partner, or does agreeing it first make the whole idea cold?

then: How much does agreeing it first decide who you'd let in?

1. 0.85 You can't agree to a person before you've met them. Real ones don't work that way.
2. 0.45 Agreeing it first makes the whole idea cold. You can't negotiate a person.
3. -0.45 Someone new becomes possible once we've agreed it. That's what makes it a real option.
4. -0.85 Unagreed, nothing is open — it's just unguarded, and I wouldn't call that a door
5. 0 What's been agreed doesn't decide who's welcome

When you keep more of your life to yourself, does that leave more room for sex with someone else, or less?

then: How much does keeping your own life decide it?

1. 0.85 I keep my own life largely so that stays open to me
2. 0.45 A life more my own leaves more room for it — my weekends, my call
3. -0.45 The more separate everything else is, the more I want that one thing shared
4. -0.85 If we share nothing else, sex has to be the thing that is only ours
5. 0 How separate our lives are doesn't touch what I want sexually

basis Attachment avoidance predicts more positive attitudes toward and willingness to engage in CNM (Moors, Conley, Edelstein & Chopik 2015) — though the same study found avoidant people were LESS likely to actually engage, so treat magnitude with care.

There's real chemistry with a coworker, or a friend of a friend — if you told a partner, would that make room for it, or shut it down?

then: How far does telling carry it?

1. 0.85 If I can say it out loud, it can happen. If I can't, it can't.
2. 0.45 Telling a partner makes room for it — what's said out loud gets lighter
3. -0.45 Telling shuts it down — once it's said it's real, and real raises the stakes
4. -0.85 Saying it is how it dies. Once it's out I have to choose, and I choose what I have.
5. 0 What I tell and what I want don't really touch

When a relationship feels like it has an end date, do you find sex with other people easier to picture, or harder?

then: How much does an end date decide it?

1. 0.85 If something is for good, that is what makes it exclusive. A short thing doesn't ask for that.
2. 0.45 Something temporary makes it more thinkable — an end date asks less of me
3. -0.45 A short thing has less room for other people, not more
4. -0.85 A short thing I want whole and only mine. The long ones can hold more.
5. 0 How long it lasts and what I want sexually run on separate tracks

A friendship keeps deepening and it isn't only attraction — is sex easier because you feel something, or easier when you don't?

then: How far does the feeling carry it?

1. 0.85 Feeling is the only way in for me — without it nothing happens at all
2. 0.45 I need to feel something first. Without that I'm not interested.
3. -0.45 It's simpler without feeling. The moment I care I start protecting something.
4. -0.85 Caring about someone ends it — once I do, I stop wanting that with anyone else
5. 0 Feelings and sex have never had much to do with each other for me

basis As above — separable dimensions.

When you're glad to have someone new in your life, does sex come with that, or is it a separate question?

then: How much does welcoming someone decide it?

1. 0.85 Welcome and sex are the same door here — that is what welcome means
2. 0.45 Sex comes with it. Welcoming someone doesn't stop politely at the bedroom door.
3. -0.45 Sex is a separate question, and the answer is no. That's why they're welcome.
4. -0.85 New people are only safe here because that is permanently off the table
5. 0 Who's welcome and what happens with them are unrelated for me

Would you want sex with someone else agreed with a partner beforehand, or is that the part you'd leave unplanned?

then: How much does agreeing it beforehand decide it?

1. 0.85 It only ever happens unplanned. Once it's negotiated it isn't the same thing.
2. 0.45 I'd leave it unplanned. Arranging it beforehand takes the life out of it.
3. -0.45 I'd want it agreed first. If it was never said, it isn't really allowed.
4. -0.85 I'd never let this happen unspoken. It's the first thing I'd want agreed.
5. 0 Whether we agreed anything beforehand doesn't come into it

If you and a partner keep separate lives, does that need fewer things agreed, or more?

then: How much do separate lives change what you'd agree?

1. 0.85 Separate lives need almost nothing agreed — that's most of the appeal
2. 0.45 The less we share, the less there is to sort out
3. -0.45 Separate lives need more agreed. That's where assumptions go wrong.
4. -0.85 Nothing shared means nothing can be assumed, so all of it has to be said out loud
5. 0 How merged we are doesn't set how much we spell out

If you and a partner tell each other everything anyway, do you still need it agreed?

then: How much does telling replace agreeing?

1. 0.85 Rules are what you reach for when you can't just talk to each other
2. 0.45 If it all gets said anyway, the telling is the agreement
3. -0.45 The more we share, the more I want it actually agreed
4. -0.85 Everything said and nothing agreed is the worst combination there is
5. 0 Saying everything and agreeing everything are separate needs for me

If you and a partner knew it had an end date, would that need less spelled out, or exactly as much?

then: How much does an end date change what you'd agree?

1. 0.85 The paperwork is for the forever version. A season needs none of it.
2. 0.45 A thing with an end date needs less spelled out. You don't draw up rules for a season.
3. -0.45 A thing with an end date needs it spelled out just as much. Short things go wrong faster.
4. -0.85 A short thing has no time to recover from a misunderstanding, so more gets said, not less
5. 0 How long it runs doesn't change what gets agreed

Do feelings make you want the ground rules with a partner clearer, or prove no rule was ever going to hold?

then: How much do feelings change what you'd agree?

1. 0.85 Every agreement I made about feelings broke the moment it mattered
2. 0.45 Feelings prove the rules won't hold. A rule can govern what I do, never what I feel.
3. -0.45 Feelings make me want the ground rules clearer. That's exactly when you need footing.
4. -0.85 Feelings are where I most want it all said out loud. Nothing here gets left to reading the room.
5. 0 Feelings don't change how spelled-out I want things

There's actually someone new, not just the idea of someone — do ground rules come first, or does it get worked out as you go?

then: How much does a new person change what you'd agree?

1. 0.85 Rules written for someone you haven't met are guesses. This gets worked out as it happens.
2. 0.45 No two people are alike, so I'd rather take it case by case
3. -0.45 With someone new the ground rules come first — that's the moment you most want them
4. -0.85 Nothing here gets improvised. A new person is when it all gets said out loud.
5. 0 A new person doesn't change how much gets agreed

basis CNM research is consistent that opening a relationship involves MORE explicit negotiated agreements than monogamous defaults, not improvisation. This sign was reversed until 2026-08-10.

When it's sex with someone else, do you want ground rules with a partner, or resent having them?

then: How much does it being sex change what you'd agree?

1. 0.85 None of this should be pre-agreed. Wanting someone you had to get clearance for isn't wanting them.
2. 0.45 I resent the terms when sex is involved — pre-negotiating it drains what it is
3. -0.45 I reach for the rules when sex is involved. This is what gets said out loud first.
4. -0.85 Sex is the one thing I'd never improvise. It gets settled before anything happens.
5. 0 Whether it's sexual doesn't change how much I plan

basis Same body of work: sexual arrangements are the part most often made explicit in CNM agreements.